The following are excerpts from various American medical journals. Prepare yourself, as they are pretty amazing (and are all true). You have been warned!

INNER SKELETON
A 63-year-old widow was admitted to hospital in Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20-inch long skeleton of a fetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body.

FEMALE SOFA
500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in the hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts, and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva.

OUCH!
A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloodied restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man’s member and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.

SEX EDUCATION
A Californian doctor examining a young woman with abdominal pains asked her if she was sexually active. She said that she wasn’t. A later examination showed that she was pregnant. Asked why she said that she was not sexually active, the woman replied “I’m not, I just lie there.” When asked if she knew who the father was, with a puzzled look she replied, “No. Who?

BLIND DRUNK
A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered that the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.

GROWING SEASON
An old woman in a North Carolina ER complained of green vines growing from her vagina. Investigation revealed a large potato trapped in her womb. The woman then suddenly remembered that she had inserted it two weeks previously, because she thought that her uterus was falling out.

PRICKLY PAIR
In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had “a rat in her vagina” and it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.

LAST STAND
A Cambridge man hobbled into the ER complaining of a permanent erection. He admitted to doctors that while on holiday in Cuba, he frequented many brothels, and in one he was given some erectile cream to keep him hard. He was told to use it sparingly. However, since he was having so much fun, he kept using more and more. By the time he came to the ER, all the blood vessel in his penis were swollen and his testicles had ballooned in size. Doctors could do nothing except prescribe pain killers, and told him that it would return to flaccidity in a few days. They also told him to enjoy his erection while it lasted, because it was going to be his last.

CALL THE BUM SQUAD!
A World War II veteran came into a London clinic with a hemorrhoid problem. One painful pile would often hang down from the man’s anus and he was in the habit of pushing it back up with an artillery shell. On this occasion, the shell got stuck. Doctors were going to remove it but the man told them the shell was still live. So the hospital called in the army bomb disposal squad, who built a lead box around the man’s anus to defuse the shell so it could be removed.

Step 1. go to any website (the more pictures, the better)

Step 2. delete everything in the address bar

Step 3. paste the following code in the address bar:

javascript:R=0; x1=.1; y1=.05; x2=.25; y2=.24; x3=1.6; y3=.24; x4=300; y4=200; x5=300; y5=200; DI=document.images; DIL=DI.length; function A(){for(i=0; i-DIL; i++){DIS=DI[ i ].style; DIS.position=’absolute’; DIS.left=Math.sin(R*x1+i*x2+x3)*x4+x5; DIS.top=Math.cos(R*y1+i*y2+y3)*y4+y5}R++}setInterval(‘A()’,5); void(0);

Step 4. press enter and have fun

This code will NOT harm your computer.

Guidelines to development on the HOLLYWOOD OPERATING SYSTEM

1. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.

2. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.

3. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

4. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file — and there are no undelete utilities.

5. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

6. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it’ll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.

7. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren’t labeled.

8. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.

9. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY.

10. Whenever a character looks at a terminal, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.

11. Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress.

12. (From Independence Day) No matter what kind of virus it is, any computer can be infected with it — even an alien spaceship’s computer — simply by running a virus upload program on a laptop.

13. (From Jurassic Park) A custom system with millions of lines of code controlling a multimillion dollar theme park can be operated by a 13 year old who has seen a Unix system before. Seeing an operating system means you know how to run any application on that system, even custom apps.
Note: What OS was it really running?
(1) “These are super computers”. A CrayOS?
(2) “Quicktime movie, Apple logo, trash can.” MacOS?
(3) “Reboot. System ready. C:\” DOS?
(4) “Hey, this is Unix. I know this” Unix?
The computers in Jurassic Park were Cray supercomputers running the MacOS as a graphical shell of DOS all layered on top of a Unix base.

14. You cannot stop a destructive program or virus by unplugging the computer. Presumably the virus has it’s own built-in power supply.

15. You cannot stop a destructive program downloading onto your system by unplugging the phone line. You must figure out the mandatory “back door” all evil virus programmers put in.

16. Computers only crash if a virus or a hacker is involved.

17. All text must be at least 72 point.

18. Word processors do not have an insert point.

19. The only way to reboot is to shut off the main power to the building.

20. Passwords can be guessed in three and exactly three tries. If you cannot guess the password in three tries, you must give up immediately.

21. Any task or program can be executed by simply pressing Enter, no matter which program or window is in the foreground.

22. All scanners, video cameras and digital cameras have a resolution of approximately 500 megapixels. Any image can be infinitely magnified with no pixelization.

23. Security will not improve over time. Nonaffialiated personnel can take over a space ship without needing an account or access control. Corollary: Anyone can override access control lists in the future.

24. All hackers wear black T-shirts or Hawaiian shirts.

25. Incoming messages are displayed letter by letter. Email over the Internet works like telegraphs.

26. Microsoft Windows doesn’t exist. Macintosh has a 75% market share.

27. GUI operations, such as image selection and manipulation, can be handled easily and quickly via the keyboard.